Female wrestler Kristy Barnes rolls into Bayside to teach everyone a Very Important Lesson about gender roles. So Important is this Lesson, as it turns out, that there is no time for Jessie to learn that "pigism" isn't actually a word, nor for the rest of us to learn why Coach Sonski has a mysterious accent straight outta Newark. But at least we all now know how to escape a choke hold by administering a noogie.
The Bullshit Aptitude Test
Sharpen those No. 2 pencils, kids, and get ready to wade through the bullshit! If this episode is to be believed, taking the SATs is the most important thing you'll ever do in your life (ever), colleges pay no attention to students' grades or activities and offer scholarship packages that include cars, caesar salads come with anchovies, people will believe you're from Harvard as long as you say "Harvard" super-annoyingly, Zack is a genius, and Jessie's an idiot. All right, we'll buy that last one.
All we are saying is give chocolate-covered grasshoppers a chance
The Earth experiences a seismic shift of record proportions after Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Susan B. Anthony collectively roll over in their graves upon witnessing the weak-ass plastic foam protest planned by Jessie and Graham. Elsewhere, Zack is apparently too consumed with the task of trying to outwit Belding and sneak out of school to fly into one of his trademark jealous rages when Slater puts the moves on Kelly.
College girls are easy
Zack meets a desperate 35-year-old "college student" at the Max, and she takes him and the guys to the club where all the desperate 35-year-old "college students" hang out. And what do you know? They run into The Sketchinator, cheating on Kelly! What are the odds? Of course, Zack fails to consider the fact that his mom is also part of the over-35 set, and therefore the odds that they're going to get busted are quite good as well.
Even puppies need trainers
Jessie's evil (and not entirely unattractive) stepbrother comes to town, intent on sexually harassing Lisa and one-upping preppy puppy Zack and his lover--er, trainer, Slater.
That's Ms. Chick to you
Or is it Mr. Chick? All we know is, in this episode, Jessie claims that if she were a guy, she'd punch her evil stepbrother. And then...she punches him. Yeah, you don't have to be a mathematician to add that one up. Even the math-challenged Lisa Turtle could figure it out.
Let's take a trip to the Wild West, Bayside style
Considering that the Bayside universe is approximately the size of a postage stamp, is it any wonder that Zack is constantly running into his ex and the guy she dumped him for? After trying to make Kelly jealous by dancing with a member of the tribe of the orange scrunchie at the Max, Zack realizes there's only one thing to do: He challenges The Sketchinator to a duel at high noon! Or, he gets over it. But the first one would've been so much more fun!
Welcome to the meat market
The Carlton Banks of Bayside High makes Lisa feel like an airhead, which is totally unfair because he's not even that smart. (Judging by his pronunciation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, he obviously thinks the book takes place at a college in Indiana.) Also, Jessie continues to be a psycho (although we kind of see her point this time), and Zack learns a Very Important Lesson about fat people that lasts all of 30 seconds.
Lisa Turtle: The thing malpractice suits are made of
Zack suffers a near-fatal injury after...um, running into Mr. Belding in the locker room. Fortunately, he's under the care of the most incompetent candy striper in Bayside Hospital history, Lisa Turtle. Go into the light, Zack! And take Lisa with you before she harms any more patients.
How am I supposed to...sing when your face is so freaking close to mine?
Zack and Kelly have a heart-wrenching breakup on "their" picnic table, during which Zack quotes lines from his hit song "Did We Ever Have a Chance." Meanwhile, Jessie gets up in Slater's face and makes a dying-cow noise that I guess we're supposed to assume is singing. Is it just me, or was she not this bad when she was in Hot Sundae? Must've been the caffeine pills.
Peace on earth, and goodwill to all the good-looking homeless people
More Christmas spirit, as the gang pimps Moody's Store for Men using some really awful British accents in the loosest adaptation of Dickens ever. Oh, and they also befriend some token homeless people.
Jingle Bells, Bayside smells
It's Christmas, which means it's time for the gang to learn some important lessons. Like how to tape the bottom of a box before you wrap it. And how you shouldn't buy a doll that pees all over you.
Palm Springs II: Revenge of the Aerobics Bimbo
Jessie learns that two fake headaches, a cancelled dinner, an attempted drowning and a few semi-mean insults are not enough to get a wedding cancelled, so she finally gives in. But not before she traipses around the golf course looking like Mary Poppins.
Jessie is so, so scared....that her stepmom is an Aerobics Bimbo!!
The gang heads to Palm Springs for the wedding of Jessie's dad. Jessie acts like a royal [bleep], Slater meets the princess of a made-up country, Zack hooks up with Kelly (but only after trying to get with Jessie's future stepmom), and Screech says stuff like "I hear ya, blood!"
Let's Stay Together Baby and be Friends Forever
The Zack Attack struggles against the odds to achieve worldwide success, then hits rock bottom with a painful breakup but eventually reunites for a reunion tour. And all in only 30 minutes! And with some fabulous sequined outfits! And without Jessie!
I still haven't found what I'm looking for (at the mall)
It's nearly Sunday, bloody Sunday at the mall as the gang finds $5,000 in fake money and gets chased by some thugs. Oh, and Zack cooks up a plan for scalping some U2 tickets that is not at all illegal in any way.
Only users lose drugs
There's no hope with dope! According to the Bayside gang and the late great Brandon Tartikoff, that is. However, Totally Made-Up Famous Movie Star Johnny Dakota begs to differ.
Scandal and intrigue (not to mention gambling, assault, robbery, and kidnapping) run rampant at Bayside as Screech prepares to take on Valley's Russian exchange student in a chess championship.
Murder, mayhem & a mango tonic with a kiwi twist
It's the murder-mystery episode. Need we say more?
Is that an oil derrick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
The gang rescues some much-beloved oak trees that the rest of us have never seen from the hands of a Chris-Noth-lookalike in a string tie. Which doesn't matter much because their beloved pond animals already bit the big one in an oil spill. Tally-HO!